A Look Back on 2011

Money. Insurance. Things I'd learned in the first half year.

They are the big things in life that you'd never learned in classrooms. The knowledge I gained was quite unexpected when I joined the insurance company as my temp. It wasn't only about insurance, it's about money as well. You know you need insurance and money for child's education, your health. And your retirement, which normally as young as us take it for granted. So, plan ahead!

Independence. Love and passion. Things I learned in the next half year.

I craved for so long to be on my own and do my own things. It's because I'd never left home for once in my life for the longest period. The New Life is great. I enjoy every second of it. But it also means control and discipline. Whatever you do, you have to take control. What you eat, your health, and most importantly your time between studies and play. Which normally, the main concern of many undergraduates.

Love and passion - good things always left for last. More love and love, passion and more passion I grow each day, deep inside me. I love you and will always cherish the moment we'd been together. It wasn't the longest time, but we managed to went through our first time. Lots of experiments and first-times. That will only be kept between us. We'll always looking forward to our next meeting in the new year. And I'll always hoping to ever make contact with you in much anticipation. Hopefully, we'll be more comfortable and closer toward each other. I know, the thing growing inside of me is called passion. I love you, my dearest.

Happy new year, world people. Even though this year may not be your best's. You just gotta keep pushing on and don't fall back. Hold on tight, tomorrow will be another brand new year (day).

School Internet

Before the mark of my final post of the year in a few more days,(which I wasn't going to mention this topic in my final post!) I have a say about my school's internet. (sure this isn't the perfect outlet for school complains! I'm not trying to draw the school's attention anyway)

First of all, they restrict our freedom to watch videos and to download movies based on the ground that we just watch too much porns. Ok, I still can tolerate with the movies part. But they block the giant youtube website?! Do they have any ideas? Any ideas at all that youtube also serves as educational tool?

There was an article in our campus paper saying blocking youtube is based on the student's demand because it slows down the connection wtf. What I'd like to say is these students are not wise enough. I don't know how they study, but sometimes when I study I need videos as references. Even some of the textbooks encourage us to watch videos of demonstrations.

This is really frustrates me. Who the hell are these people? Where they came from?

Paleolithic's. I see.

Carefree Vagabond

What is your first impression when you see a girl, or a guy having meal alone at a restaurant?

When they asked me where I was going,  I told them I was joining the army. Their eyes were almost popped out of their sockets and blood drained from their faces, like they just heard about alien invasion. They scurried home to pack and left for Mars. They couldn't believe what I told them as if I just came out from the asylum.

There's a difference between a guy or a girl having meal alone. We are paranoid lot. If people see you going somewhere alone, like if you're a woman and going to war for the sake of the country, they see you as real pathetic. Because normally, women are going anywhere with their companions. Whatever they do and wherever they go, there's always somebody, whoever, by their side. If you have nobody, you're freak and really pathetic.

"Oh, you're so pathetic."

Oh so pathetic. Sipping coffee while enjoying the freedom of roaming.

Then you'd hear: It's dangerous. People will shoot you or kidnap you. Snatch your gun. You shouldn't go alone.

The Good Watch

Since I got to my new place and started a different life, I've lost track of most of the blockbuster flicks and Hollywood movies. Hence the below list of my favourites that I hope I'll be able to catch up after the final exam when I get home:

Horror's never fail to be on top of my list. I totally forgot the last horror movie I watched.

I've always wanted to watch this one. It still remains on my list. I haven't even started the book yet. Urrrggh!

I was upset about this one. I saw the book when I was at the book festival in KL, and it grabbed me and I did picked up the book. I didn't know why I just didn't bought it. Maybe I just distaste trilogy. 

This controversial movie is directed by Jolie. I always admire her effort in humanitarian and outlook. She always remain the most beautiful woman on earth. I can't understand why Aniston top the chart, she doesn't even look "beautiful". Looks normal to me. 

Can't wait to watch this one either. I saw the trailer. Really funny. Maybe silly funny for some though. Wish I could watch it with Dan. Snuggle on the couch, wooooo~~.

I loooove Washington. His acting is just so real in every movie he's in. If I have to count, I think I watch his movies more than any other actor's in my life. So far, his movie never disappoint me. After Deja Vu, Inside Man, The Book of Eli, The Taking of Pelham 123, and The Bone Collector, huh?

Yes, most are quite disturbing. I like disturbing movies. I just like the feel of at the edge of my chair and have a taste of goosebumps plus grinding my teeth.

Really looking forward to my long school holiday. It'll be all about entertainment. There are a few more books I haven't started and finished yet.

Just like one of those days when I was in my hometown. Movies and books. Don't forget some popcorn and snacks. Oh, how I miss it so much...

Sacrifice vs Rebellion

Sometimes, you'll have to give up something in order to gain something. You can't eat your cake and have it too.

There will come a time when I have to make a decision. A crucial decision which some lovers may see it as big sacrifice, whereas others may take it as defiance. I wonder it'd make any difference in my half of lifetime. No doubt, it'll affect everyone of the people in my circle.

It's true I have had and still have a really long time to think about the dilemma. For a few years now, in addition to a few more years from now. But I just couldn't find decent excuses nor revenues to counteract the problem, at the very least. Yes, I still have a few more years to think about it...maybe then I'd grow wiser as I aged and come up with good explanations and the reasons.

It's such a big deal because it involves my principle. I'm against doing something I'll regret and counting the wakeful nights for the rest of my life.

They are such decent people to be thrown under the bus. My decision will mean a lot and make phenomenal differences for me, and for them.

Maybe when I leave, I won't be leaving as the dark gunman walking in the rain, with long cloak flying behind...

Brought The Head Home

I just finished an important final task and I'm at the front of the deadline.

Damn you deadline! Darn it!

I defeated you! I beat the pants off you! HA HA HA!

How you had been made me struggle for this whole week. It's payback time!

Victory came my way. And I found it! It got its eyes on me after all.

Bravo! Clap! Clap! Clap! Wheeee....whew....wheee....wheew....

Yay! I'm all pumped. I feel like making MJ's moonwalk right now.

What's next?

Freedom Gray

This isn't supposed to be the right time to do this. But I really feel like doing it. Even though my time is running out.

I get the notion that my time is seriously running out and the freedom I'm enjoying right now is running short. Yes, I'm talking about freedom. Oh Freedom, how I always enjoy being with you....

DUH!! GOSH!

I really can't put myself in a position like them to imagine MEE of having a roomie. Like, you can't talk loud, you can't sing loud, you can't turn the music loud, you can't leave the light on, you can't make noise, you can't even FART!! I don't sweep and I like to collect dust!

Being on my own is having me-time. And me-time is important to me, that's what I'd call it Freedom. I have an invisible friend and whoever he or she is called Freedom. I'd name it Freedom. I talk to Freedom everyday and Freedom agrees with whatever I say. We're BFF.

We share the same pet peeves and we're really sensitive and critical about lots of stuff. If you're going to be my roomie, you better come across this and think twice before you come through that door.

Yes, I'm a schizo.

Gosh, I should consider name my future baby Freedom. Freedom Gray. Sounds cool.

Food Porn

I feel like I'm going on a binge lately. i AM on a binge.

Exam around the corner aside, I might have some "unconscious conflict" going around not that I'm aware of. Duh?!

Anyway, I've been on this diet for about a month now, which is only one meal a day. It works well on me so far, no dizziness and no gastric. This diet is only based on my common sense. You actually don't need three meals a day to survive, IF you don't move around much, that is, if you only spend most of your day sitting here and there. And these days, my lifestyle seems to be going sedentary - 80% of the time spent on the chair.

Of course I do get hungry but not too-hungry. And I only take two to three cookies to get over it. As long as you eat something, even small amount would be suffice to stop your hunger pang, and to avoid gastric (though I never in my life had gastric) yet not to make yourself full like you eat a whole meal. Remember, I'm on a diet.

People always say "OMG, really?" "it's not healthy," "it's wrong." But they never give me any concrete facts and reasons of how it's going to affect me. Like my stomach is their stomach and they can say whatever please them.

Back to my binge. I'm still on one meal per day - have lunch only. But lately, I'm on a binge. As I said, I might be having this "unconscious conflict" that push me into the binge. I've been taking snacks more than usual. I'm not having bulimic symptoms, so don't get me wrong on that.

I'm full and I just had my lunch. Now I'm going to tear open my snacks. Yummy yummy.

Familiar Voice

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are to disrupt my circadian rhythm?
Who do you think you are to call me at 2 in the morning?

You think you are all mighty and important?

Are you involve in human trafficking ring? Are you going to kidnap and trade me for money?

Who the hell  you think you are? From zero to zero.

URRRRGGGHHHH....!!! DISGUSTING! SICKENING!

Yada yada.

If I See It This Way...

"i don't like to think of you in that country. It is really corrupt with limited opportunity."

He's been here once. So that's how he sees it. 

I don't have to go afar to know how good or bad my own country is. I read enough to know how badly I want to leave this corrupted place. If only I keep on dwelling, my world will only keep getting smaller. Because I read enough to know well how big the world out there, a wealth of opportunity you won't find it here. That's how it makes me feel I lost some sense of belonging. How I always believe that I'm growing up out of place. That I don't fit.

How to face these people? How to explain my own belief? Because nobody sees the way I see it. Nobody tries to understand and accept my own belief. 

My belief is to sell them down the river. Double crossing them as I've been there, done that. That's how they see it.

Damsel in Distress

Lately I found out an excuse to reject all distractions.

Since the semester started, I've been quite shaky about my performance. To be able to study something that I have passion in is a blessing. And I haven't been really appreciate it and indulge myself well in it.

December is finally here and it also means I'm in a critical period. As life or death will be determined in December. I need to work on my biological clock. It's taking its toll on me lately I almost passed out on the street.

My anxiety is horrible note to self: no means NO. Period.

First Time

When I look back on, I wish I had talked and acted differently during those 9 days. There were a lot of times of the things I said, or the way I acted which made you feel uncomfortable and alien to you. Hence, I got the notion I wasn't the apple of your eyes. That I wasn't the girl you always hoped me to be.

That was the very first impression which I thought was the most critical in our first meeting. In a way, I might had let you down. If only I cared enough, if only I'd known how to act in front of you, how to react when you're hurt.

But I only stood there and watched you in pain, listening to your frustration and curse. Kept quiet.

Maybe you're disappointed of me.

I hope, in our next meeting, I'll be able to present myself openly and freely, inside out. I don't want to make you wonder and have second thought about me.

9 days wasn't enough for me. 9 days wasn't enough for me to know about you in depth. It wasn't enough for you to see my true self. Nothing in those 9 days were ever enough. If only we could spend more time together.

What is left only memories. Sweet and sour.

Live Through The Grapevine

This month I got a whole lot of distractions left and right, up and down, and still is. I started out pretty shaky in my first semester. Biological clock is a mess. Still in the process of how and where to place myself, what should I involve in, what kind of people ought and worth to meet. People gossip, I felt numb really, like my heart suddenly frozen into solid ice. They thought I didn't know, but I live through it since high school. I know myself better than anyone.

Though nothing bad, gossip is not always bad. But it quite controversial to me, of what people say. I know I didn't hurt anyone, and I don't, but my self image has present some kind of stereotypical thoughts.

Yes, I know it's something quite unusual. Very alien stuff.

I learn to live it and turn both ears deaf. Hardly allow it to shake me.

I guess this is how I learn to live. Day by day.

Paradise for Two

We were finally there. Though the world hadn't known. Just the two of us baby.

If Only As Simple As That

Some quotes from another blog:


When I was a child, it seemed that happiness was very simple; as an adult, simplicity is the essence of happiness.
                                                 
Spending money is as easy as shitting, while earning money is as hard as eating shit.
                                                 
Sometimes, the simplest advice that you give to others is the hardest thing for you to follow. 


Happy weekend all.

You Can Be Different

After their seminar on Monday, they are trying to define my own happiness. People who don't know me much, who only two years younger than me, in their best intentions trying to tell me what is supposed to mean by happiness. In their pictures, happiness is being with friends. Happiness is trying to act like someon else (them).

I believe that I don't always follow the crowd. At times, when the majority moving in the same direction, I tend to walk the less travelled, even though I know their choices are the best one. Something I still in the process of finding answer as why I act the way I act. Or why I behave the way I behave. As I'm taking up Psychology, hopefully will give me an answer.

The word that makes people feel threatened if they stop saying nowadays is the word "enjoy". Cliche and really like fingernails on a chalkboard. Like you really want to give them a slap in the face.

"You must 'enjoy' university life."

"You must 'enjoy'."

"You must 'enjoy' hanging out."

"You will 'enjoy' joining ABC club."

"In university, in whatever you do, you must 'enjoy'."

Statement implying you don't enjoy anything at all.

You don't have to give big ugly smiles to show that you enjoy, do you? You don't have to act cute, or be flamboyant or be CRAZY to show you are happy, do you? 'Enjoy' is to be in your element, giving you pleasurable feeling while doing whatever makes you feel happy and satisfying. What if you don't enjoy hanging out? Is that make you an unhappy person?

When you don't hang out, does that make you a loser?

I'm not someone who would give up easily in trying to be myself. Don't make me.

You're not even close anyway.

Steve and His Logo

So my 101st post dedicated to Steve Jobs. Thanks Steve.

Do you have any idea how simple it looks, yet you never thought about it? Two persons living in different time zone, different places, not knowing each other but came up with a similar logo? They said "in the world of graphic design, such similarities are common".

If you given a choice, would you want the brand logo slightly different with the silhouette of Mr. Jobs in it?

I'd want that. I'd prefer Jonathan's. 

Good Jobs yo.

I see it in your face

how frustrated you are, that you don't feel belong. Little dramas here and there that makes you feel awful, uneasy. Awkwardness has become your close friend.

I'd come a long way to witness those dramas. I learned to open my heart and mind to accept and embrace it. At times, it feels awful, blow a hole in my heart. It will only makes you a better person, even people don't accept you, that you no longer fit into their circle, you have the ability to create your own happiness, your own world with those who are still backing you up. You aren't and won't be alone. Just like the song You Are Not Alone. It's a matter of choice.

If only you will accept reality, if only they will accept you, if only their heart still has room for forgiveness, your world is not cold. Even you don't feel belong, or lost yourself along the way, you have me. If only you know.

In every circle, everyone is bound for conflicts. People come and go. You don't blame them, you welcome them when they come, you set them free when they leave. You must stay strong and hold your head high. Focus on what you have now and don't take them for granted. You'll be safe and sound.

You are not alone. Stop being afraid. I'll be standing by to hold your hand.

Fallen Legend

I'm a fan of Macbook. I'm not into iPhone, iPod or iPad. But then I'd never own a Macbook (it's complicated). I know pretty well how Apple has changed millions of lives and still is. Because he letf us a legacy.

He's become one of those History we proud and will always be mentioned. I still haven't got over his departure. I'm shocked! It's just disturbing! Shocking! OMG!!

Lets have a moment of silence.

Are We There Yet?

Nowadays, I somewhat seeing myself losing my own purpose on FB and my social life has reached its peak since elementary school that I no longer bother whom I'm adding now. Adding people you have never really talked to, people who are only your acquaintances, people whom you might only met once in your lifetime, in real also. Though I'm still finding my own reason to keep the page going.

It's something annoying really. I'm not really a FB fan. But nowadays, it no longer an option. They demand you to add them, they won't tell you anything when you ask, they will only suggest or expect you to get your own profile up and running so that you'll find all the updates and info, while stop bothering to throw them questions in the face. To most of these people, they see it's the most annoying thing of all to not have your own triple W. Like I can see on their faces, with eyes rolling back and much annoyance:

"That's life, honey. Like it. Love it. Do it. Live it. And deal with it." (Head moving side to side, with fingers snapping up and down) Or you leave it.

That's also something I just found out after I came to this grand school.

So before you ask any question, in the face, be sure to google it or "add" or "like" or "join this group" first to get all the info and updates you're seeking, before you hit the department anywhere in school. They just irritate to see your not-so-pretty face. The only first thing they'd ask is this: Have you checked out our FB yet? All the info are there. (Why you bother to come in anyway?)

Something you have to do before you leave home or dorm.

New Chapter

My last post was like almost a month ago. I was keeping myself all busy about starting school, orientation and classes schedule. Good news is, I finally bought myself my first laptop. A cheap one, close to Intel i3. So not even Intel i3. Well, the bottom line is, as long as I got to do all of my "practical" stuff, I'm all content.

I hope I'll be spending more time on this. After all, this is what I always wanted to do - blog. Need to brush up my English as well.

There are certain things which don't make sense to me after I started this life. Especially the education system which has a lot more and more to be desired. I really don't agree with the fact that how could we all lectured in Malay, doing assignment and taking exam in Malay, but study English written textbooks? What's the point?

I thought, somehow being here, this is my great opportunity to take my English language to a higher level by being lecture and doing assignments in English language. But the reality had failed me. I sense that I really need to squeeze in some hours, no matter how, to either read or write, or a combination of both, in English. And English speaking is another matter.

Up until now, I still haven't started to organize my schedule. I really need a planner, diary notebook or printed from the internet. Whatever might work well for me.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

It's been awhile I haven't blogged about movie. That's because I haven't seen one lately that is worth the post. Until this one which tops the rank of box office, and which after I watched it, I was totally elated to blog about it.

I'm not really a good movie critic, although in my attempt, I'm really trying. So mostly, I'll just blog about my whole emotion and thoughts while through the process of watching the movie. Well, something I'm really clear about is, I was really on the apes' side. I just wanted them to be free, free from the leash, free from the lab, the cage, the abuse and lived in a home which was their natural habitat. And they meant no harm. Not at all at the first place.

When We Almost There

Almost half the decade now. We haven't given up. We may have only running around in circle, chasing our own tails. If we have one. I start to question, "aren't we moving forward?"

 For the first time, he posed the question: what chance would we have then? (After the next 3 years, plus the previous 4 years, that would make it 7 years) I'd had answered him: the chance is there to stay, it depends on how we approach it. IF only you want to get hold of it.

I'm not sure if his time is running out. But I reckon that is the only valid reason why he asked such question.

Remember what I said about another dimension? "It's not worth the exploration." Because I'd been there and failed miserably. So I thought this time would be different. Yet almost everytime we're about to explore together, lots of questions surfaced and we all went to contemplating mode. Ponder on time that had gone by, and we only kept on waiting on the opposite sidelines. Helpless and clueless.

I'm now torn between looking forward and step back to reflect, or just give up once and for all. Maybe I'm the factor all along. I should let him go. Set him free.

It's now or never.

Kindhearted Spirits

It was nothing as surprise or as meaningful as the kindness of a stranger. But a minute of kindness and compassion unto others regardless the level of acquaintanceship we share could go a long way. And it made my day.

During my 8-months of summer job (what a long "summer" job), I face only egoist and hypocrites who thought they know-it-all and know-it-well. They can say however and whatever pleases them, even they have every chance they can get to talk my ear off. Happens everyday.

What really throws me off is how they talk about wisdom ever-ry-day, but then I'd see how their words way too contradicts their actions. Their egos is bigger than their cranium. It baffles me what these people are trying to prove ever-ry-day. Seems to me always trying so hard to prove something I cannot see, that they are stand-out from the crowd. For what? So what? Talk. Talk. Talk like there is no tomorrow. Like it's going to make any differences.

So back to my humble acquaintances. Our acquaintanceship only business base. Yes, it was business affair. There were only 2 acquaintances I'd like to highlight and will never forget. They are our clients.

Mr. W who gave me 3 big Chinese paos (bun). When I held the synthetic bag filled with warm paos in my hands, my heart melted felt like crying. I didn't really figure why he did it. Maybe the warm pao represented farewell gifts for my resignation. Or a token of appreciation for what I've done with his "new case"? I'd never forget his "they are still warm".

Ms. F gave me 10 ringgit. Ok, not because she gave me bucks that I should give her credit. Giving out money could also mean appreciation or rewards right? In a positive sense. Though I kept declining of course. I'll never forget her "well, just a little reward (or congratulatory) for you going to university"!

It has been a long time anyone as kind as they were enter my life. They may had shrugged it off and unnoticed their own kind actions, but their magnanimous and generosity is what remains in my heart and mind. Even though they are only people who might just rub your shoulder once in you lifetime. Mr. W and Ms. F are who makes me feel grateful about lots of things and meaning of true kindness.

Waaaay too far from humbug and egoism.

Life on My Own

It is good sometimes. Whenever I feel like writing, I always try to find what I want to let loose, how I really feel and to organize my thoughts. Then pen it out.

At times, it is ridiculous as I got the notion that whatever I "try" to write, is like an "idea" to me for that instant, but not really how I feel I want to write. Nonetheless, it is fulfilling and I do feel content.

Yesterday was like a get-together with some old friends, not really friends, but more of childhood comrades. It was like you flip through an old photo album, only it was on Fb. I glimpsed on their photos (and profiles), wondered how they have grown, where they were at this point of life. Some from chubby shorty to slim-down-like model. Others, I had always guessed on how they would turn out to be. It surprised me not, and I've been right all along.

My very first semester is the only thing I'm really looking forward to. To meet new people. Like after a terrible storm, to have a new lease of life, in a new environment. Maybe a new me. Despite the fact that I'm not sure what to expect.

The Alternate Reality

I'm a big fan of jokes and comedies. But lately I cannot seems to bring myself in front of the box to watch even a mere 5 seconds Just for Laugh. I know it would give me a heck of a blast.

My mind seems to wandering afar. Somewhere deeper and couldn't find reasons why. Or I'm living in denial, after what I've done. I don't want to confront it and refuse to bring it up. It's there to stay even I don't want to acknowledge it.

Maybe I don't want to give in. I feel the inner negative strength, it is forcing me so hard to surrender. Compelling me to just embrace the ugly reality.

But then, where would I be after I raise the stupid flag?

USM: Seeking Comrades

This post is dedicated to whoever is ardent about taking Journalisme in USM, like me! Boys and girls, as long as not stalker and pervert!

Well, my main purpose is to get to know you all and interested into making friends in the same program we are about to embark on in this coming September 2011. Since we will become colleagues and probably even friends! If you are taking Journalisme, then we somehow share similar interests like reading, writing and information in many subjects. That is why you take Journalisme at the first place, right?

No? It is because you want to pursue the "truth" out there? No, please don't go there first.

If you are on the same page with me, then we may have endless gossips. Well, not just chit-chat over a cup of coffee, we may become the new giddy bunch. After all, what's friends are for?

See you there!

Silver Lining

Bad luck could only be that bad. How many times do we, Tawauese speak of the "crime" cities in KL? Too many to recall.

Though we are as far as the east (Sabah) and the west (the peninsular), we Tawauese at least has friends and relatives now and again keep us in the loop about friends of our friends, or friends of the friends' relatives fell victims to an unfortunate snatch and robberies. Yes, we are that informed compare to some ignorant KL folks. So whatever happens, it reminds us as a wake-up call that in one way or another, would hit close to home.

But today,it hit home. Glad Lee was not badly injured. Only minor scratches around the arm. More relieve was nothing to be appeared as stabbing woulds. We all know how common it is.

Has to be more alert on the street and road. Seems has to be, everywhere nowadays.

But not a sinkhole under our bed, wouldn't we?

Sensitive Business

My voice was trembling when I spoke. My heart was beating faster than usual. A familiar phenomena whenever I got myself into a debate. Heated debates seems more and more foreign to me nowadays.

I guess both of us got too emotional tonight. Yes, a business about everybody else's business. It was sensitive. A heated debate ensued.

We had not discuss about this business when we were at tender age. Simply because business is business. Nothing involved the youngs. As we have gotten into adulthood, things have been different. I guess it will always be, until we reach a certain age, when the business becomes personal. Too personal until we all go our separate ways.

When we truly know-how. Truly grow.

CIA

It was quite vague the last time someone in my life told a lie. I vividly have and idea the last time I lied. Something related to my job interview.

Cross my fingers hoping Saturday won't blow my cover. I might have had stretched the truth a little bit. Not far. I admit it was for selfish endeavor. But I have been good since the beginning. In some extend, it was not supposed to be biggie. It still depends though.

I know by now his true colors. He was easy to be deceived. A paranoid freak. That is how I got in the job. In deeper.

Whatever will happen, Saturday, if you could just back me up and make it invisible, save my ass, I will raise the glass and cheer you.

I got one day.

Time as Tide

Time waits for no men. Just like time has no friend. Nor foe. It simply passing.

I always thought time is cruel. But it is cruel. Time goes by without waiting for someone; as earth would not stop for anyone. The whole world will never even stop to peek on how perfect you are, if you are. Because nobody is.

It seems quite unusual for me to drop out of school at my most pressing moment. During that time, I was supposed to make up my mind. Even now I'm 2 years behind my old pals, I feel blessed like given second life.

I've seen myself grown so much in my two-year breather on account of time has once become my friend. The magical thing about time is, it gives clean slate. A chance to make me grow and amend to be better human being, a better 22-year old. (and onwards!)

Because of this second chance, I owe it to time. I will always treasure time like an old friend. Only time I can trust.

I'll never bring back time to right the biggest wrong, at the very least if not all. I can only buy time, but not more time. What is left, will only and always be the broken pieces. The only memories.

You can't blame. Nor complain. It simply passing.

The Power of Yes

When I got the offered letter from USM a few days ago, it reminded me the YES commercial I saw once on TV. It's exactly how I felt, BIG YES.

No. It was actually YES!!! And YESSSS!!!

I feel free. Stoked. Amazing. Fabulous. Fantastic. Pumped. Incredible. Good. You'd see me make MJ's moves.

I'm standing on top of the world right now after feeling restless for about 6 months. Now it's going to be history. Life could be so much more interesting now.

Amazing things do happen when you say YES. What a newfeeling.

A Thousand Pieces

A few days ago, I cried. Since a few days ago, I start to cry inside. Nowadays, I'm more like crying inside.

Maybe I'm too heartbroken and too angry to well up my tears, I don't mean to get blind anyway. But crying inside is far way too painful for me to endure, too hard for me to breath. I wouldn't want to think it as a form of emotional suppression. It's not. Between crying out loud and crying out hard and loud inside, the impact is the same to me.  

But crying inside, it shown all over my face. Can't lie to and can't hide from no one.

I'm crying is because I felt hopeless; I'm angry is because I felt being ridiculed like a clown.

After all these years, it only comes down to nothing. It was so easy for you to say it loud and clear in a few words, but just as words could be as sharp as sword, it pierced through the same core of mine.  All the waiting until the cows came home, and my sacrifices, my almost-sacrifices. It's like going back to square one, if there's ever a square one. It happened once, and now it's happening again. I should have known better. Family was right, the other dimension was not worth the exploration. Aliens are crooks. They play hard to get. 

Well, guess what, YOU get nothing!!!

An Imaginary Friend

I'm so heartbroken. Streams of tears ran down my face. I've just lost faith in something and somebody. Somebody that has never truly existed, yet in another dimension.

Maybe this time will open a whole new dimension. A new chapter of my life, when everything around me hasn't changed that much. Because things that I used to have faith in, were never truly materialized. But a hoax!

A beautiful lie.

Saving is Making

"Yeah, saving money is important. Saving too much and not using it is useless. And what's the point in saving money anyway?" My father said a few weeks ago. I was suddenly dumbstruck by the statement then.

I knew I'd read about financial topics before, especially Rich Kid Smart Kid. But I felt a big apple caught in my throat. I should have had tell him off instead. I believe that the above statement would only comes out from a low financial IQ person. A person without financial planning and goals in life. Plus, it's my father's low financial IQ that has ended him up like the way he is today.

When my parents was young, neither had any financial knowledge and life goals as big vacations, or early retirement plan. Early retirement plan was something nonexistent. So what had and has been on their minds is simply "Ok, we're going to raise the kids up, pay their university, get them decent jobs so that they can feed us when we aren't longer spring chickens".

So, here they are, lounging at home, become couch potatoes instead, without any retirement funds and any life insurances. Just get "paid" by us the working adults, and that is only for the daily expenses. Nothing more, nothing less.

I wonder somehow, if they ever thought about it up to this point? Sure, they really want to get indulge in a faraway vacations and see the world and now that they don't have that kind of money - the "saved" money, which supposedly they should had put away during their young ages. But saving is also means planning for the retirement, not "saving is pointless".

I just feel more to them each day, feeling the time passes by, and their time slipping away. I wish that they had that kind of knowledge when they were young. By now, I might just happy and content knowing that they are somewhere, again in another part of the globe, watching the grass which is greener, the sun is warmer, and the winter is colder. (well, we don't have four seasons in Malaysia, do we?)

Morsel of Liberty

I'm awkwardly to say that I had never stayed at a hotel before, let alone ever been on a solitary journey or trip. But last Friday, 29th of April 2011, after 22 years, marks my rite of passage. After all those years that I'd been looking forward to. I'd tasted the thrill of being free.

It actually was not a vacation. I got a called for my USM Communication interview which fell on 30th of April in Kota Kinabalu. That short interview meant my short trip to KK, and I was on cloud nine to take a solitary trip for the interview. Eventhough I didn't get to sightsee the city, I was elated nonetheless. I'd say it was the best memory I had so far, especially I had also got the chance to grab McDonald as my main meals during my visit in KK, since McDonald isn't available in Tawau. I ate only McDonald's for my whole stay there! Breakfast (BigBreakfast with hashbrown. I loved hashbrown), lunch and dinner. I looove every bite of it! Three meals a day! But my stomach could only take in that much. Nothing in between.

Nothing could ever beat freedom. Freedom brings more money, more happiness; less disputes, less problem to the world. Freedom is when you're on top of the world.

Weekdays Blue

Since works started a few months ago, all I've been waiting and will always is Friday - the end of the workdays. During schooldays, all I always looking forward to was Thursday, because when Thursday came, the next day would be Friday - the last day of school. Of course, when Friday came, that was the exciting day, because it would meant the next two days were weekend.

Now that I started this job, Friday is the day I always looking forward to, because it meant the next day, which is Saturday, I work half the day - the morning. I never understand what it meant when they said "monday blue", now I'm so familiar with it, to the extent that how I dread it so much, but not only my Monday is blue, the next three days are all blue, blue and gloom, and glum.

I dread every second, every minute, every hour, every workday of the week, simply because how I despise my work. How I despise my boss, wishy-washy, show-off boss.

I can't wait for this end of the month. When the last day comes, it's the day when he will receive my resignation letter. Two months notice in advance. Before school starts. Ohhh...how I miss studies again after all these months.

USM Mass Communication Interview 2011

The interview questions were so predictable. They had this questions ready on the papers, which I assumed were similar to all the interviewees of the course who walked in through the door. They were all so easy as not what I had predicted earlier prior to the interview. My interest is in Journalism. But the panels asked the general questions and basic knowlegde of Mass Comm. So it's better to be ready for those questions.

All in all, I consider myself that I did well. Though I did a few blunders. Those expressions didn't change much when I stared back at them which was hard for me to know whether my answers fit them well.

Well, it's history now.

Wrong Number

I almost forgot the last time I have had any drama in my life. Except the big one, and it staays, in the closet.

No drama and you seek drama. Until this one fell off from the sky. Blinded by randomless, and you call it meant to be? Stranger came out of nowhere, but seeking excitement and sins. I could almost smell it.

I do believe in a man could never befriended a woman, who is so easily spark an intimacy, or chemical, even without any physical attractiveness whatsoever - simply to call it a friendship. This is especially true when our communication has taken on another form, which is in the "channel". Almost always the case.

That channel is creepy. Like the world is nonexistent. No distraction, no monitoring, no crowd. Just one-on-one.

Secret always stays secret. No sweat.

Islander and The Blue Blood

I'd be much appreciated to call it a summer job instead. Taking things into my own hands was supposed to be out of the equation. Yet it is the fact right now.

I was skeptical of being a one-man show from the outset. Once I was in, it isn't that bad I thought it was, which was uncalled for of making all the fuss. Never second guessing what you can achieve, dig up your inner strength. Lesson learned.

Wishy-washy is a downright flaw. Good news is, I'm half way through it. Despite it, previous temp turned out to be my good mentor and training. I really see my potential in administrative. (woo-gah-gah)

This month's RD'S cover is way too disturbing (yes, I mean disturbing) and like fingernails on a chalkboard. Nothing blissful event after all the nature catastrophes, only the wedding and the hype that build around the royal wed which just around the corner.

Why am I all that glum-s and all the blues? The wedding really define the times.

Baffling Multiplication

I thought I will be who I am for the rest of my life instead of having another side of personality of me. A definitive.

After the night call, I'm having second-doubt. It's something close to Batman alter ego is Bruce Wayne. Or a decent straight-As student in daytime, is a stripper at the nightclub.

I'm not sure how many people able to do that (Nikki Minaj is sure pretty well into it). It is sure worth a shot. To be someone that you aren't (or you are) sometimes, even for a few minutes to try different experiences. See it in a way that a journey to self-discovery, or self-entertaining.

Or self-destructive and it's baffling.

East Side Tale: Land of The Rising Sun

How could we still not getting it? How can we still blinded by everything after everything that has happened?

To say the world is falling apart, you might say what-a-cliche, what-a-crap that is. The fact is, is not it. Because we are still not sober. We still doing what our ancestors did. Lesson not learned.

It is A well-developed nation. Even that is not enough. Something hit close to home about 2012, if not in the next half-century. It's a wake-up call for the planet citizen to take a step back to reflect, and work out a plan based on conscience, instead of vested-interest.

To those who are in the pain, hurt emotionally and physically, and those whose loved ones that passed on by the recent calamity, my heart goes out to you. My condolence. God bless you.