10 + 1 Reasons

I'm head over heels in love with you, is because:

1. you let me follow your lead

2. dog is your life

3. you have a deep soul

4. you are funny and mean

5. you are almost as liberal as I am

6. your butt looks better

7. you have bad handwriting

8. you are as cute as your dogs

9. you love books

10. you are frugal

And most importantly, you beat the system. That's where you stood out among the mediocre. On that day, I truly see you. Because I don't want to spend 8 hours or more a day without you.

Something BIG is coming

Somebody told me the other day, that I should continue writing, said my writing always very logical. Said I am a full of passion person, but always write depressing stuff (something like that).

I guess I write to amuse myself. I try to be funny you know. Just so to enjoy myself better.

I know I have been gone for so long. Well, you know, I was busy crossing the seven seas, climbed up to seven mountains, ride a few horses, fell into a deep dark hole, crawled back up but ride back home with a prince eventually. Oh so I manage.

I met a few acquaintances along the way. Not worth keeping though.

Sorry, no photos for my big excursion.

With the start of new year, I'm gonna plan something, and do something. A lot of things involving planning lately. Planning is good. My job used to be studying a lot, but I got promoted to time manager and planner. So things are looking good. Pay is good too.

But well, of course I will keep writing. I am time manager. I manage my time well.

A few photos will be up soon I hope.

Beat Me

I'm a fresh meat right out of the oven. Served hot and a little bit...hard.

Damn these little monsters. At 1.30pm, or 3.30pm most of the times when the doorbell rings, for a fallen soldiers, my spirit is crushed. Except they aren't fallen soldiers, these are my unmanageable little monsters screaming at high tone, running through the entrance.

Between 2pm to 6pm, I feel like jumping off the floor, hailing the Death from hell, or the Angel, if it willing to take me to heaven, as my love for the little children is quite limited.

I have stopped to shout and scream my head off. But my glare and stare or the ï'll-be-watching-you gesture definitely scare the shit out of them. Save my energy too.

I once try to understand them. But they crush me every time. Mission impossible.

Now, You Become Private

Turns out that, it wasn't my inadequacy. It is due to the fact that I never wholly get this kind of connection. Looking back, we didn't start off from as simple as making friends. The starting point was physical attraction. What a shame.

Now, it's either your way, or the highway. With all that being said and done, you have made a decision. You have abandoned me on the highway, so I will take the highway.

I won't blame you anymore. We started off on the wrong track. You never made it clear, but I took the bait anyway.

I see myself as has been hovering up in the sky seeing all that glitter, but it never has been gold.

Now, I put my feet to the ground. It has been so long. This is my time. My world does not revolves around you anymore.

I should settle down now. Start to make my life less complicated. Moving on to the next stage of my life. I should leave, maybe to an outskirt wouldn't be bad after all.

Worthless Whore

"What do you think I am? I've become his fcuk buddy. I may be a whore, but not a prostitute!

"He doesn't care about me. Who cares someone less than a friend? We even barely talk!

"I'm sick. Now you tell me to go ask money from him! Who do you think he is for me? A pimp or a boyfriend?

"You know what? He talked like I was pregnant of his child out of wedlock! He doesn't want to be involved in it other than that! I didn't even asked for money. I told him I'm sick.

"You have any idea how it feels like to be tossing around like that? I feel like a worthless whore! That's right, you like that? Not in a submissive way a bit I like about it! It's a bitchy moment of 'now I'm all used up, and you can dump me in a garbage' kind of feeling.

"Then I realized, you do love me. But as I always have thought, it is finite. You don't know how to care the moment I need you. The moment I need you, you think about money, cause you'd be thinking 'oh my, this is risky investment, the mighty dollar is at risk'.

"You know which is worst between you aren't there for me with the doctor; not willing to support me; and you're asking another guy to support me? The worst and last thing I need, is you asking another guy to support me.

"Well, I almost did. But before I got there, I saw the cue. I stopped and I cried. Because no one was there for me. My boyfriend from that moment on, has stopped being my boyfriend. And I'm the only one to be blamed. All that we have and never have, has been given up and to be forgotten."

You think you will get away with it? You better start praying.

Her

The impossible love.

"Sometimes I think I've felt everything I'm ever gonna feel, and from here on out I'm not going to feel anything new, just lesser versions of what I've already felt."

I always love how certain movies so related to my life, or our lives. This quote, sadly, captures how I feel and how I reacted to certain things. So I'm like waiting something new to happen.

Like a modern kid who no longer has taste in childhood games. Remember hopscotch, red hands, tag, house, rock-paper-scissors and my all-time favorite hide-and-seek? They have passed that phase and leap to smart gadgets of war games and bejewel.; we have passed that phase. These experiences have evolved into the cyber space, where human interactions is no longer required.

Set at a time of a near future, the individualist society can be observed through where people everywhere is constantly talking into the air with operating system and few people are interacting with each other. Technology development has evolved where instructions are given through human voice with less human touch. With our main character Theodore, he develops an unusual, unfruitful relationship with the voice of an operating system that equip with its own version of heart and mind.

Theodore's characters somehow reminds me The Trouble with Bliss. Theodore and Bliss, both dudes are sad characters. They both are confuse characters who have no clue at all. Both movies are a sad one-man show going through the rut and waiting something to happen (kind of like my life right now). I don't know if I should compare them; one is after his passion, another is after his love (if he is after it at all).

Sad character; sad love story.

False Hope

I don't remember the last time a person and false hope that I encountered. But this time it struck me pretty clearly.

I hardly seek for anyone, except when I truly desperate or the situation almost cannot be revived. I don't ask, I also don't wait for people to offer me. Until I was being offered and given choices, I snap and snap without question. When I snap, I feel like I was given chance, hope. And when you have hope, you pretty much praying hard for it.

Except it isn't.

It's like you have given up life. Your last will to live has been broken and you cannot trust anyone but yourself.

I trust my own independence. I guess that makes my inadequacy at depending on somebody. I'm not good at depending on anyone else because I don't trust easily, or maybe it's insecurity.

When you depend on somebody, there will be either dramas or conflict which I always try to avoid. They are mostly a waste of time than investing on your own independence, which will reward yourself much better in any way.

But I guess it hurts more when your most loved one gives you false hope. Someone you thought you can count on.

Anyway, it's material. No biggie.