Playing Barbie

I wasn't good at putting on a more natural eye make-up. Today, I pulled it off.

Assignments and presentations days are gone. This is something worth a celebration. I just have to master my eye make-up well. Because there's something I'm looking forward to. And you might not like it.

FYI, eyebrows, lipstick and blushes are through photo-editing. It's good to fool you. I love to play hide-and-seek. 

It is less dramatic compare to what I'd done before. It wasn't perfect. But hey, I'm learning. 

Thank you for stopping by. I'm doing good.

Welcome to My World

Did I tell you my ambition was to become a supermodel some day when I grew up? At 5'2, height never stop me to be one.

I thank Mr.Octopus cause he's willing to be my camera man, and he is a professional camera man. He let me did all the poses and he was just snapping away. Unfortunately, Tyra Banks kidnapped my make-up artist. Did I tell you I was a Chanel model once? You must be very jealous of me by now.

I've known a girl. She is that kind of girl that would make guys and girls' hearts jump whenever she is around. Pretty and adorable, but too skinny. She doesn't have to do make-up like me to look even prettier. A guy told me once: "I like her. I'd take her out and be one of my walking flower vases and show her off to my friends. But she will never be my girlfriend, she's not my type."

Indeed, she's not my type either to fall in love with. She looks pretentious and just a little too adorable. Worse, she never dress to kill, like me. Probably she is not a model. Who should blame her?

I told San once:"Women dress to show off their bodies and their unique sense of dressing to other women. Not only to attract men and heighten up their self-esteems." She agreed with me. She was a better supermodel than I was back then. Lazy is not an excuse for a woman. I dress for self-expression and to the occasion. Not for you. I was born to stand out, not to fit in.

If your friend mind your dressing because you're dressed to kill, tell her to fuck off. She never knew you. You probably figure out by now that she is a walking sack. Abandon her.

This is just another post of narcissism and sarcasm. 

Addicted to You

You ever thought reading a book would make you feel having an affair?

Reading Fifty Shade's, I was like going behind your back. You never liked the book, but I went for it. I crossed the forbidden path.  Now, you smelled a rat.

Errmm...maybe I should be careful of what I'm saying. But sorry, blog is my only friend that understands me. I hope you understand me too. She is above all. There's no other sanctuary for me whenever I get hurt, not even human beings to comfort me. Because human can be intentional and hurtful. She is nothing like human. I will never lie and only be honest to her. So please bear with me.

I like whenever a surprise ending to a story. Mostly I'd rather, tragic surprise, or sad.

Ana left Grey. Yes, he deserved it. He was clueless in love and relationship as much as he was clueless of how he felt about her. Men could be so smart and dumb; a douche and a sacrificer at the same time. But not you. I have you now, yes I stopped having him, and going back to your arms.

Well, maybe you were dumb once, but you said you could do better and treat me better next time. Is that a promise? Not an empty one I hope.

Do you think you changed because of me? Will you change because of me? Are you doing yourself a favor? And our favors.

Go to a new place. Explore. Get out of your comfort zone. Thrill me, amaze me, do something that brings happy tears. Break from the cocoon. You have no idea how beautiful you are once you are out there, flying.

Urrgghhh...!

You are still the bastard you were!

I wish I was a small child again, to throw tantrum on the floor, kicking, scream out loud, throw some things, break something, bite something. Greatest of all, I wish to punch you in the face black and blue.

I knew you were up to something. Yes! This time I'm not that stupid like I was. All the twists and turns, forward and backward talks, I'm really at my wits' end.

I gave you my all once, I regretted it. WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! Please don't make me give up the only thing that's left of me.

No empty promises. I can endure no more.

Internal Conflict

You're back.

Yes, I admit, my inner goddess is in seventh heaven.

Forgive me if I mentioned too much of Anastasia Steele, I just couldn't help it, because I never thought of my love story was mirrored in a fairy tale. I'm her.

You were really a selfish person. I was mad. What had happened to you, I couldn't be like Ana to feel sorry for you. You left me clueless and made my own conclusion, but now you're here. How do you think this makes me feel? You always do that you know that. You left all the decisions in the world to me, then you'd walk away. Take no responsibility - "That's your shit." My shit.

Maybe it's how you play it. I don't get it.

I still haven't got a clue what you want from me. You could say everything confidently, but then at the end, it all boil down to me? Why? Because "someone" unexpected came up?

What? So that it would make you feel good now that everything is explained? So you paid your due and have no regrets in your deathbed?

Please, you haven't reached your point. Where supposed you're going? Tell me what you want from me. Free my mind.

If this is all you got, I guess this is it. You will never make it right.

Friendship

I almost forgot what it tastes like.

Since the day we moved in together, through the daily interactions, I feel a sense of familiarity. I call it home, between brothers and sisters. At some point, I do talk and behave like I'm around with a sister. And I always love this photo, this togetherness pictured as classic as the instant camera, as vintage as the photo looks.

I wonder now and again, how we met, how we became so close to each other. It was lightning fast, and grew from nowhere. You wonder the same. I said similarities, from our lives and working experiences to Hakka Han origins. I really don't know. You said age. But I feel familiarity once again. Maybe it is all that matters.

I will never said things to make you feel better. Honesty will always be the priority, as direct as I may have sounded rude. Forgive the way I speak, I know you understand all the things I said and not intended. Yes, ice-cream makes me really happy, you and Steve aware of it. I thank you for that. The secret (or maybe not) is, I'm in my own skin all over again as much as when I'm with Steve. But both are incomparable. I will never be your lover. Duh!

Time that we spent, things that we said, from all the unfamiliarity topics along with all the strangers you brought up to me, and always will, I never bored to listen to you. It's another whole sharing dimension you allow me into. I appreciate it. I know how much I open myself to you when I don't allow myself to others. You knew it. 

You always touch and amaze me. I thought I'd never met anyone like you. I'm very much lucky to know you. Maybe you're the one that worth to be kept around for a long time after all.

To Be Or What To Be

I just realized. Most foreigners (or whites) DON'T WORK here, they INVEST here. That's what I told the boyfriend. Someday, we will do some homework together. That's a promise.

Two calls and three persons were on the same phone, in one day. Ring-ring, it's government job again. Father, mother and brother in unison. Maybe I do start to feel a bit wavering.

Have you ever thought deep enough of the true purpose being put on this earth, in this life or in this particular imperfect...body? Some people say "everything happen for a reason." Some say "it just so happen" or "it was just an accident." However, I'm more of the former.

There were a few times I thought I really needed a speech therapist madly.  I came across myself a few times in sales: insurance job and its people, and product agents twice. Now, is my sister's turn, which happens not far from me. Why I kept getting myself mixed up in sales? Is God want me to be rich? or to polish up my communication skill? I put both thoughts aside. After all, I'm just a regular scholar, home away from home and reality.

Now, they start to talk me into being an English language educator, a teacher who works for the government. Owing to the fact that society here well aware of the incredible incentives of being part of the government workforce, which is freaking unquestionably yes. And family recognizes my passion and potential in the language. Which makes me wonder why I never took up English instead of Journalism in the first place.

It really gets to me to the bone. It's not my concern, just yet. But then again...

I never regretted. For the sake of pursuing knowledge (er-hem). Reality is, language (English) and Journalism are somewhat related. On the surface, both are quite technical stuff.

Seriously, what is my true calling? Do I even have one? God, if you will remind me again.

Little Nemo in Slumberland

Having case of the Mondays? In case you haven't known.

Today Google celebrates Winsor McCay's - a well-known American cartoonist - birthday by incorporated one of his famous comic strip in its search engine logo homepage as tribute. Guardian claimed it as the "most elaborate doodles ever."

Which it just made my day.

Especially You

I am strong, I hope you are too. People don't understand. Because when you and I in this particular situation, at this moment, this is what we believe in.

I know I could email these. Attachments sometimes just too much of a hassle. Please forgive me.

Pictures save thousand words. This is who we are.

Sardonic

When people look innocent, I thought at least they're smart brains. Yet, they are just as innocent as how they look. Even they get better grades, they still depended on that few leak-out exam questions  and defeated you. How irony is that.

They talk without substance in it. As naive as little 10 year-old. You know you're right, you just have to speak your mind to stand your ground. But, once again, I was defeated. How could they never think about what they've learned? Why don't they read up a bit more and think? Owing to the fact that I'm taking J-path and required a mind full of criticism, I'm really sowing the seeds here. HE-LLO!

Things I learned in my 1 year and 3 weeks:

1. I learned to put on my footwear according to the weather forecast. Which is quite useful and to protect my precious sneakers and sandals from wetness.

2. That Asian made dresses are so thin I thought they are always low quality. They said it is the in. I thought we could only afford the low-ends with the price tag that comes with it. I despise retros by the way. Except earrings :P

3. Science students are more academic competitive than the Social Science students. You know from the way they talk and how they manage their time well. They know what they're learning and studying.They talk and share what they've learned and studied. Which I haven't got the chance to have such exchange. They learn the "hard" way. So to speak.

4. Not many people take initiative in their academics. Mostly prefer to be spoon-fed, or else they have soft spot in being paranoia to act like a man. Such an annoyance to me. If you don't follow suit, they talk back in a form of "reasoning" with you. Which is still doesn't make any sense at all. That just reflects how chicken-hearted they really are.

5. Your name will be called out for your take on something in class, when you wear orange, or pink, or purple. But not white. 

6. If Psy is the embodiment of self representation to be comfortable in your own skin, and act naturally, I have nothing against him and his popularized style. Although at first glance of the video, I experienced stomach-churning. Lets just say, try not to show me your horse dances.

"I have nothing to offer, but blood, toil, tears and sweat. We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. We have before us many, many long months of struggle and of suffering.

You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word: Victory. Victory at all costs — Victory in spite of all terror — Victory, however long and hard the road may be, for without victory there is no survival." - Winston Churchill

I will take back what I deserve, with my own toil and sweat. Metaphorically. :P

Welcome Back

I'm finally back on my routine to be the runner and morning person, which is a relief. Hadn't been running for a while -  one whole month went to war zone and a good two months of sabbatical in Maldives. Sorry, I have no pictures to share.

It's nice to run again, feeling the wind on my face, the adrenalin rush and improve my endurance. The environment still the same. That said, one particular tree fell down, blocking the path, with its roots got pulled out from the ground. It seems intended, but was it real human doing or nasty nature side? I couldn't tell.

It was still there, on the second day I visited the park. An old tree with its remaining roots spreading about the ground, like an old witch's long wrinkled fingers, with greenish veins seems apparent through the thin layer of pale skin. I have no idea how will the person responsible take care of it. I wish the tree never fell but stood tall, as it was an old yet a strong tree.

It never disappoints me to see the regulars again as this reflects their energies and endurance. Hats off to them!

New faces brushed off my shoulder. I assumed they were fresh meats. Yes, it's common to see these gung-ho newbies during the early start of first year, first semester. New life, new goals, it's tabula rasa! To amuse myself, like the reality game show: who stays, who goes? Well, time will tell! :P

My body invariably feel great after a good, nice sweat! Time to hit the shower!

Manicure

Been waiting for the mailman whole day. It's here finally. Ta da!

Since the start of my temporary job, I had stopped painting my nails. How I missed it so much! For two whole months! With the new Salon Shaper, I feel more confident! Despite the fact that I still need a real pusher and a cuticle clip. Sigh! But, the shaper is not a disappointment overall.

As you can see, the Salon Shaper comes with 5 attachments or functions in 1 device. Among all the attachments, my favorites are the Felt Cone and the Emery Head. The Felt Cone acts as buffer and push back the cuticles to smooth it and the nails shine. For the Emery Head, it's convenient for me as it shapes my nails for desired shapes and I'm not good with filing. However, you have to be careful with the Emery cause it might grind into your skin while you shape your nails, and that may hurts a bit, though nothing major.

The result. What do you think?

Price of Inexperience

I wasn't really good at it, and I'm still learning. All I need is some time. But my time is running out.

Still, I can see myself improving, that's the biggest relief for me and recognize myself that I have room for improvement. But time is running against me. My flaws have covered up all the hard work and dedication. I only learned through trial and errors. Every one mistake that I made, every one lesson learned. No one give me chance and time to improve.

Money can't really buy experiences. I earned it myself with my own hands and sweats. Knowing myself that I work with the heart and mind, I learned a lot though the time has been too short.

Trying to look on the bright side. I'm doing pretty good so far. No one, and nothing could bring me down. Just like every cloud has a silver lining. This is just the micro part of my life, life moves on, so no need to dwell on it.

No matter what, I value the experience. If I never done good enough, please forgive my inadequacies.

Thank you for taking me. Glad to know every one of you too.

Books

Thought I'd post this on my shelf, but thinking here would be more straightforward. Anyway...

Current reading - psychology. Can't wait to finish it.

Next reading - fiction...and erotic.

Next reading is going to be sooOOO super-duber, awesomely EXCITING, WILD and...ECSTATIC. This is going to be as good as the comments and plots it gets.

They SERIOUSLY going to start a film of it? Definitely don't want to miss it. Whoa!

Can't wait to start.

Rrrrrgh...

Sturdy Guy

Finally. It only took 2 days. Yay!!

Cheap. And it's going to be my spare.

Multiracial Advantage

I always hear foreign celebrities and TV hosts alike said how lucky Malaysians are. That we live in food paradise with tropical weather. And lately I heard Cesar Milan commercial, said how lucky we are in Asia, because that's where the dogs origin.

Indeed. Apart from that, I remind myself that I'm lucky to be born in a melting pot, where I also become a trilingual. Not that I know any Tamil, but Malaysia at least recognize a second language which is the lingua franca English, unlike Japan or Korea. The most grateful thing is that I able to master well in English and Chinese. Have the luck to expose myself to those influencing cultures.

I always imagine it's quite beneficial thing. To try to fantasize how I'd write a book, which has all the ideas get cross over from different cultures, to bring out something novel.

Watch out, that might be my milestone.

Anyway, I haven't been listening to Malay song for so long since I can't remember. Well, below is my favorite which I got the chance to come across while working at the cafe. The MV was dull and sound was a bit guttural here. Hope you like it.

Mandarin and Whatnot

"Budak Cina ni cakap shor..." (This Chinese kid said shor ("short", my style of writing = =')... )

Lately, I've been trying 200% to be color-blind. I treat every staff as equal (which I always do) as I see human beings and to blind myself to stereotypes. I'm proud of myself so far. Though there are times when passers-by cast me a you-work-with-the-Malay-people questioning look on their faces. And so I thought.

Despite of that, I'm a word-sensitive. The opening statement literally carry some weight of racism. If only you could treat me as Malaysian, I wouldn't be hearing that statement blurted out in front of my face. I don't mind being laughed at with my Sabahan Malay dialect, or at my Malay sentences that bear some Mandarin accent.

Because I understand ignorant people. Encountering them, I particularly better off to save energy, and laugh along.

For some reasons, I miss Penang, I miss uni life. Maybe I just miss the island where we spent time. And you've been to my school. I just miss my room, the little private space I'll never own and not belong to me. Back to that routine I'll only gain more discipline being morning person, and well spend me time. Gosh, I really know how to treasure my me time.

Bad Mood

I'm not a good talker. Really. Sometimes, I need to think hard to say something, to give an appropriate reaction. I still prefer to write.

Sorry, I don't mean to treat you like a punching bag. Or, did I? Do I always do that? Had I? I hope you like to listen to me because you are my trusted one. It just some of my ups and downs I never bored to share with you. I hope you never get tired listen to me too. Yet lately, I've been full of downs I just want to share. Why you said you liked it? Your face didn't show you enjoyed it much. Girls know how to read body language and facial expression, don't you know that?

If I tell you, at my young age, I can generalize what kind of person you are, will you believe me? I read a lot about personalities, some psychological topics, am a really good observer with a pretty good hunch. Sanguine, choleric, melancholic and phlegmatic. What kind are you?

Because I'm an introvert. I'm quite fussy of whom to laugh with; people I get along with; whom I should shun; persons I don't want to know of; whom I should disclose to; and those worth to be counted on. Yes, it may takes me some times to trust you, when I know that we're in a different category.

When I become quiet, I'm angry. Really angry that I don't want to lash out. Silence becomes my personal tool to control it. Or you may say "resilience"? Most people see it that way. No?

I don't want to talk about my bosses at my workplace. But this young couple, young bosses, weird me out all the time.

I never like lady boss. Maybe I haven't met one to change my opinion of them. That's all.

Cashiers

 never get trusted.

There are lots of movies out there where, the girlfriend, or the wifey is caught in an inexplicable or enigmatic situation like the house is haunted whenever the hubby is away, or the girlfriend is hunted by a presence, and the boyfriend or the hubby always does the assuring and non-believer character to make the women look like they are just being paranoid, or "lost their marbles" and so the guys never become the "heros" for the heroines to save them out of those phenomenons. So the heroins always end up depend on themselves.

Because men are being said the most rational, whist women are being said too emotional creatures.

I don't have the opportunity to experience Cold War in the 1950's, but lately I feel the cold tension between me and the night-shift cashier, whenever we do closing at the end of my shift. She has been trying to cheat money out of my doing closing and wrong me, which so far, I haven't fallen in her trap.

I told Steve about it. I brought up racial issue at my workplace. I told him that maybe because of different races that she and the others are trying to be mean to me. It happens all the time whenever different races work together, but Steve was being color-blind. Maybe I was being racist and he doesn't get the real situation at my workplace. That's explain I'm the "heroine" have to depend on myself, have to keep myself on guard from those people other than myself (own race).

The cold tension grew between me and her, the cashier was because of how I found out she was trying to frame me, so that she got the advantage - some money from the register. She thought she would succeed in fooling me, but then she was surprised she failed. Her guilty face showed it all. Hence, less exchanges between us since. I'll save the details.

Anyway, I told mom about it. She was so upset and worried that the cashier will keep trying to frame me. But I won't back down. Precaution and vigilance are something I'd get out of this part-time during this school break, which I need to polish up ; )

 Color-blind is something I want to master as well.

Hazel Eyes of A White

on something I found amusing, warm and sweet.

I knew you'd like the aviator I bought for you. It absolutely, handsomely fit on you.

ええ、ハンサムですね！

Dumplings and durians were acquired taste. The island was not pedestrians walkway-friendly and involved lots of jaywalking - I agree. Cars were abounding, and fast. Sorry to see how the traffic made you paranoia. At least we both tried the best Nasi Kandar in the country, best cendul in town, your very first Starbucks coffee and the extravagant, mouth-watering Häagen-Dazs ice-cream...meal. All until you no longer fit into your belt!

It was a fabulous - give it high rated - date with stars, stars, stars, I never had in my life, seriously. Thank you, an out of this world memory you gave me! I knew I like you even before that. So, the statement we made of each other proved us right, riiiight? And thank you, for not being upset over the people cheering on the Euro TV across the street at 2 AM.

Hope you really enjoyed the time, being with me!

See you soon, love!

Something Rotten

The other night, I had a good conversation with my dear friend. We were talking about the country education system. It always sadden me whenever the education topic came up, because I've been so let down by it since a few years ago, and I'm not always so proud of it.

Thinking that since I had no choice but to got myself wrapped up in it, my own generation-to-be will also become the victims under it, if I'm not fully aware from now on.

It's not about regurgitating of facts in all school levels that bothers me, because the world education system seems to work that way. What is disheartened is how the government brings down the standard, way too low, like there's almost no value in it...And then you thought "I'll never bring up even a fairly wise child!"

It's not a matter of choice. In this country, we don't have much options and opportunities. Students procrastinate is a norm; last minute studies is a ritual in every semester; and we only hope for the mercy of educators not to fail us. Or else, even at higher school level, we look forward to the last few weeks of examination questions, literally. We grasp on and cram for examination questions, we only truly learn in the study week. The result is, we don't really gain much.

Whenever the dubious glory comes, I question myself if it's truly authentic. I believe in my degree of capability when I put my answers on the answer sheets. How deeply I learn and how much is retain in my memory to lay out my answers in the exam. I have more faith in myself than the grade tells me on the paper. You know it the moment they take down the standard when you know your inability to answer the question doesn't hold the candle to the flying colors that you never attempt to achieve. So the grade doesn't tell you much of how well you understand the subjects. It plainly implies how putrid the system is!

In the final analysis, the end-product - the workforce - is being said working quality is questionable, whether we're genuine college graduates. Fact is, the low quality products we are. 

Since I have more faith in myself than the government tells me what grade I belong to, I'd rather take my babies and start a home school instead! It's not a trend, it's just an alternative.

So don't you try to flaunt at me how high grade you get, what a shame for you! Don't you even mention it!

Last Man Standing

No, this is not about Bruce Willis action film.

This time, it won't be deja vu all over again. I have positive feelings about this rendezvous. I'm so upbeat that I can't even sleep well through the nights. I know it's amazing. I have no doubts at all. Not at all. The differences are visible. Lightning won't strike twice, right? I hope I'm not that lucky. 

Because I can see your anticipation. Our longings for each other. Your comical expressions.

That makes me laugh.

You're the man who keep his both feet on the ground, not too much expectations. You're simple, follow the flow where life may take you. Maybe that's all I need, the whole of which I call security. I'm on board with you.

Nice to meet you, I'm Yen...

Blindness

I got myself a new pair of eyes today.

I've been half-blind since I was 10 years old and lost sight of myself far away from the mirror. Today, I experimented something I've never experienced before. I stood tall and stared straight into the dusty long mirror. How I clearly look like, from head to toe, from a distant.

Gosh, you're right. How clearly I see myself today after such a long decade. I'm pretty. I am slim. I got mono-eyelids. I never feel this pretty inside.

Soon, you'll see.